When Your Parents Retire...

This post is dedicated to Gerry Eschmann: retiree, father, captain. 

Gerry and his grandson, Kyle. 

GJ was the first in the Klorer extended family to leave his job for the “good life.”  How has he spent his time? Mostly harassing his kids and driving his boat. 

More recently, my mother, Beanie Klorer, put an end to her 30+ year career as an educator. But she doesn’t have a boat to distract her, and unfortunately, she doesn’t have as many kids to harass either, so I’m really feeling the brunt of this change. 

If you’re in a situation where one of your parents has recently retired, you’ve probably discovered that things just aren’t the same for you either. For one, you aren’t able to dodge their calls like you used to. They just keep calling. They have nothing better to do. 

Here it is: 

Five Tips for Dealing With Your Newly Retired Parent 

Tip #1: Beat ‘em to the punch. 

Okay, so you know they don’t have much going on. You also know that old people love to chit-chat about any number of things. So do you really want to get stuck in a phone conversation about the latest improvements in dental floss while you’re walking out the door for your Friday night happy hour? 

No. So you gotta beat ‘em to the punch. Call THEM first, when it’s convenient for you. Amanda Eschmann (Gerry’s oldest daughter) suggests a good time to get this chore out of the way is on your way to work in the morning. You’re already in the car doing something you don’t want to do so you might as well make the call then. Plus, nothing they say can ruin your good mood because you’re not in a good mood anyway. 

Tip #2: Start asking for favors.

If “tough love” has been the rule in your parent's household just wait until mom or dad retires. They’ll finally give you all the sympathy you’ve been craving. 

First, you’ve got to drop some serious hints about all the stuff you have to do. Things are insane at work, you’ve promised so and so you’d make a dessert for their stupid party, and your house is a total mess. Then, you lay on the compliments. You’ll never be able to make a cake as good as hers. You wish you would’ve mastered his brilliant method for deep cleaning the refrigerator. Once they’ve heard all this, you might not even have to ask. They’ll be over with a mop and spatula in no time.

Tip #3: Buy them lunch. 

Getting mom or dad to do your cooking and cleaning is one thing. Getting them to go out for a nice meal at a nice restaurant is another. Retired people are stingy and they’re afraid of crowds.

But treating the old fogie to lunch is a win-win for you and them. Suggest meeting at 2:00; they can call it “dinner” and you’ll be home in time to do whatever it is you really want. 

Tip #4: Go get the crap you’d actually like to keep.

If you’re like me, you store a lot of worthless junk at your parent’s house.  Even if it’s been years since you’ve moved out, there’re some stuffed animals in the back of a dusty closet that your mom is just dying to finally rid herself of now that she has enough time to think about it. She might call to give you fair warning; she might not. If you really care about this stuff, go get it now before it ends up in the dumpster. 

Tip #5: Don’t talk about your vacation plans in front of them. 

They’re too cheap to spend $15 on a plate of food, but they’re more than happy to spend $150 on a plane ticket so they can crash your upcoming trip to the beach. Unless you have kids who need a babysitter, this is not a good thing. 

 If you do get stuck vacationing with the folks, do what Raeann and Phil do: hand-off the kid and grab a Bud Light.

That being said, you should probably reserve a weekend or two for a nice safe trip to your local river, lake, or ocean so they don’t feel like you’ve completely abandoned them. Just pick somewhere close: you’ll all be anxious to get home once it's over.