The Klorer Family Float

Alright, the O'Briens are great and all, but my heart is really with the Klorers. Luckily, we have our own annual overdose of "family time" when we go floating each summer. 

Some of the Klorer Cousins on this year's trip. Don't ask what Mike Hill is going to do with that stick.

So how does an O’Brien Lake Trip compare to a Klorer Float Trip? 

Well for one thing, contracting E Coli is a risk you just have to be willing to take to participate in either event. 

Drunkenness is certainly an inevitable. IF you’re the drinking-type. Every family has the “old sobers” who thrive on “clean fun”-- but come on, a beer or two can go a long way when family is involved. 

In the Klorer family, the Queen Old Sober is none other than Beanie Klorer. 

So, at the request of the Queen, here it is: 

Sixteen Tips for Survival on the Klorer Float Trip

Tip #1: Don’t get stuck on a raft with Beanie. 

She doesn’t do any work and she’ll be the first to tell you her opinion. And don’t bother disagreeing because she obviously has the best taste, understanding, and natural insight of the whole group.  

Tip #2: If you really want to have a good time, rent canoes and never look back. 

Canoes will get you down the river at an appropriate speed, and provide the perfect get-away when the going gets tough. Just don’t make the mistake of taking Greg’s beer on board unless Greg himself is also a passenger. As a matter of fact, don’t make the mistake of being stuck with Greg-looking-for-his-beer either. It gets loud and ugly. To be safe, just make sure Greg and his beer stay together wherever they are.

Tip #3: Don’t set anything down by the fire. Ever. 

Among the causalities this year: Jenny’s sunglasses, Raeann’s key, Mike Cosby’s flashlight, and Laura’s camera. It’s not worth the risk, people. Keep all valuables inside the cabin. 

Tip #4: Arrive whenever the hell is convenient and leave without saying goodbye. 

It’s okay. No formalities here; just do what you feel. You can pay John Klorer later. 

Tip #5: Don’t Let Amanda pick the music. 

She admittedly has bad taste, but to her credit, will put on whatever random Pandora station anyone requests on her IPhone. Hey, she’s on Jane and Gerry’s plan. 

Tip #6: Don’t expect to see Jane and Gerry. 

For whatever reason, they can’t be convinced to join. Does it have something to do with Beanie’s obstinacy? Is it Greg’s need for beer? Amanda’s bad musical taste? Whatever it is, it’s keeping them away. 

Tip #7: If you don’t appreciate floating or witnessing Greg’s desperation when his cooler gets ahead of him, you can always stay behind with the babies. 

Granted, it’s nothing glamorous-- lots of drool and diaper changing-- but the poor mothers sure could use the company. Just unfold a chair and sink in to a few hours of non-controversial babble. If the kids take a nap, you can too. 

Tip #8: It’s okay if you get confused.

Is it Sam A. Baker, Meramec, Wilderness Lodge, or some other podunk Missouri lodge? It doesn’t matter. There’s a river and there are cabins. Just don’t ask Mike Hill or Steve Eschmann for directions once it gets dark. 

Tip #9: Be prepared for the fact that the Klorer Float may not actually involve floating. 

Because it often doesn’t if the river is too high in late May. Bring chairs, food, and plenty to drink and it’ll all be okay. 

Tip #10: Don’t ask Brandon to make your s’mores. 

You’ll end up with a mallow black and crispy enough to be utterly unrecognizable. Unless you like ‘em that way, shoot for Elizabeth. Her careful attention to detail is unparalleled in this clan. 

Tip #11: If you’re trying to introduce a new girl to the bunch, make sure she’s a teacher. (or at least somehow involved in education). 

Otherwise, she just won’t fit in. Am I right, Janie, Joanie, Gussie, Beanie, Laura, Amanda, Raeann, Katie E, Katie S, Jenny, and Claire? 

Tip #12: If you’re trying to introduce a new boy to the bunch, a good rule of thumb is to pick someone named Mike. 

We don’t care what they do for a living, but we prefer that new boyfriends bear this name. If you have someone named John you want to try out, that also might work. 

Tip #13: Try to sit in Beanie’s new chair. 

Just try. If you’re successful it means she must actually like you, because that thing is really special to her. 

Tip #14: Try to get Gussie to buy you something at the cabin store. 

Though she’s partial to adorable blondes (wonder why), rumor has it Gussie might throw down for an ankle bracelet or two if the mood strikes her. 

Proof that Gussie favors adorable blondes!

Tip #15: Let Lisa do the cooking. 

So she isn’t a teacher, but she almost makes up for it with her superior culinary skills. It’s best for all if we allow her to continue earning her keep by filling this role. 

Tip # 16: Don’t throw the cookie jar in the fire without properly ventilating to avoid explosion.

No one wants to witness the sudden blast of a snowman cookie jar, even if we are all sick of this Christmas cookie BS. But perhaps a better line of advice here would be don’t keep your Christmas cookies until May: they’ll just end up in a fire at the Klorer Family Float. 

Until next year, all. :)