The Long Shlep

Every sizable international journey begins, as a matter of course, with one loooong shlep from point A (home) to point B (your city of choice on the other side of the world).  While the best travelers handle this sort of trek with aplomb, the rest of us just barely manage to plod through with dignity in tact. It is sweaty and uncomfortable and disconcerting 99.9% of the time, and there is almost nothing one can do about it.  

Yet, once our plane landed in Taipei this Saturday, Mike and I both decided that our trip-- shlep though it was--was actually not all that bad.  And in spite of a rather trying instance of food poisoning, we felt pretty good upon arrival 24 hours after our departure from St. Louis. We were tired, but happy to have finally made it. 

So with the entire incident now a few days behind us, I feel that I have recovered enough to offer a few tips for those of you who’d like to try this journey for yourself. After all, if we decide to stay longer next time, we know you’ll want to visit! 

Here it is:

How to Survive the Loooong Shlep from St. Louis to Taipei

*Please note that I am no expert of any kind on foreign travel and that I will not be held responsible for any unforeseen snafus you may encounter if you do make the trip. 

Tip #1 When selected for a random pat down, agree to do it right there. 

When the brawny lady security officer at Lamber says you’ve been selected for a random pat down, are you comfortable doing it here? simply nod your head and say yes, like I did. Sure, you aren’t going to like it when she molests you from top to bottom, but you’d much rather bear it in front of 100 witnesses than all alone in the creepy back room she likely brings you to if you say no. It wasn’t that bad, and thanks to my cooperation, we made it through security in a flash.

Tip #2 Bring as many devices as possible, as long as they don’t quadruple the number of people. 

Even if you aren’t selected for a random pat down, the security line is a bitch. You never know what they want you to get out, and the more technology you have with you the more you have to worry about whether or not you’re following the rules. 

Among the goods we shlepped 7000 miles: 2 MacBooks, 2 IPads, 2 IPods, and 2 IPhones. Do you see where we went wrong here? That’s 8 devices for two people, and way too much electronic weight. I now realize that there must be a cut-off somewhere. Next time, I think we’ll limit ourselves to six or less. 

Tip #3 Hurry up and wait.

This became our mantra at Lambert Airport and stuck with us throughout the entire trip. The secret here is to rush to get to wherever you are going so you can hurry up and wait once you get there. If you are overly early for everything, you will have several stress-free hours to kill as you wait for the next leg in the journey. 

We arrived at Lambert with about 2 hours free after we made it through security.

Luckily, we discovered these pleasant rocking chairs and an entirely empty gate. 

In LAX, we also went straight through security, and had four easy hours to kill at the Tom Bradley International Terminal (now known to us as the suckiest terminal on the West Coast-- but more on that later). 

After drowning ourselves in $60 worth Gin and Tonics at a sleazy little bar, we felt resigned enough to purchase some ridiculously overpriced sandwiches from one of the only two food stands, and with our tummies filled, waited contentedly for our group to board. Little did we know how much we would regret this purchase.  

Tip #4 Don’t buy a $13 pre-packaged Panini from the Samuel Adams food stand in LAX. 

If you do, there is a 50/50 chance you will contract food poisoning and spend the first four hours of your 14 hour flight puking your guts out as Mike did on our recent trip. I can’t give many details, as-- bless Mike’s gracious spirit-- he let me sleep soundly through the entire ordeal. But, I do know that we both ate one of those nasty Paninis and only one of us ended up passed out on the floor in the back of the plane with an indubitable sense that this whole things was a big mistake. 

For those of you concerned with Mike’s health and safety-- yes, he did faint while waiting to use the bathroom, but on the plus side, he regained consciousness fairly quickly and made it to the toilet before any chunks were spewed. Thankfully, I had listened to him when he insisted on getting an isle seat, so he didn’t have to climb over any strangers while staggering back to the latrine again and again. 

Tip #5 Get an aisle seat.

The poor man who got stuck with the window seat in our row only got up once during the brief hour or so that Mike and I were both conscious. 

He was courteous, and we are forever in-debt to him for that. But you don’t want to be like him, finding yourself nailed to your chair by an inconvenient sense of social propriety. It is a long 14 hours and you definitely want easy access to the bathroom in case of emergency.

Tip #6 Splurge on a nice hotel for your first night or two in country.

When we finally made it to our hotel in Taipei, we had gone over 40 hours without a change of clothes or shower. Arriving to the glorious HD Palace was one of the happiest moments of our life!

The Hotel HD Palace, outside.

 Such a comfortable bed! Plush mattress! Down comforter! 

 View from our window of Taipei 101-- so we could still feel like we were site-seeing when we holed up for a few hours after the long journey. 

 The best bath / swimming pool I have ever used in my life. Wasteful? Yes. But a totally satisfying guilty pleasure.

 Phew! Private western Toilet-- completely worth the extra $.

 Have you ever dreamed of spying a bustling city from your bathtub? I had, and now my dream has come true.