So we went to celebrate the birth of Matt Heitmann and Jimmy Bell last night, and the topic of the annual O'Brien Lake trip came up. A long-time friend of mine, Jill Bresnehan, is going to be in attendance for the first time this year as "Matt's girlfriend," and so it was decided that a "how to" guide for surviving this trip was in order. It's geared towards first-timers, but available for all who love a good old fashioned Lake Trip.
I wish a guide like this had been available to me...5...6? years ago?... when I made MY first Lake Trip. But, ah, I survived regardless. Here it is, people:
*Please be advised that I am no expert on spelling nor the O'Brien clan. All mistakes were made in admitted ignorance.*
Year One: Ten Tips For Your First O’Brien-Ogier-Grady Lake Trip
Your first introduction to a large, argumentative, heavily-drinking Irish Catholic family is always nothing but daunting. If you’ve received an invitation to the O’Brien-Ogier-Grady Lake Trip as an outsider, and survived, you know what I’m talking about. The Lake Trip is the epitome of “family time” and this guide provides all the tips one needs to make it through without a scratch (though I can’t promise you won’t find yourself in some type of dispute--but you need to know that’s par for the course).
Tip #1: Don’t be afraid to hold hands and count.
No, what you’re witnessing isn’t some Ramakrishna ritual. When everyone, EVERYONE, holds hands in a gigantic circle and begins to count, they are simply forming the proper stance for a good Catholic prayer and conducting the Official Lake Count, which determines once and for all the number of people in attendance. (whatever you do, don’t be late for this; it’ll just cause an argument on the numbers if you show up post-Official Lake Count.)
Yes, it’s expected that you count with the rest, outsider though you are. You also must hold hands with whatever random relative you happen to be standing next to when when this cultish formation suddenly manifests. It’s not so bad; it only last about 5 minutes. Then you can start drinking.
Tip #2: Try the Home Brew.
Do I need to explain? The Grady men make their own beer and cart who-knows-how-many coolers full down to The Lake every year. You should try it because it’s there, it’s home-made, and it’s very alcoholic.
Tip #3: Don’t get the Joes confused.
Joe O’Brien heads the only family to actually retain the name “O’Brien.”
Joe “Fee” is actually Joe Fischer. You want to butter up to this Joe as soon as possible. He drives the best boat. And he has the best house (which, if you get through a Lake Trip, you might be invited to in the fall).
Joe Forsee you may hear referred to and get confused. He won’t be in attendance, but is Dave Forsee’s oldest Son, Beth Forsee’s step son, and married to a woman named Jody (who is also one of the “lawyers” of the bunch you might hear mentioned in passing).
Joe Forsee Sr, is Dave Forsee’s father, and a retiree who lives somewhere nearby (?) and occasionally makes an appearance. If he’s there, you’ll probably catch him, at some point, talking journalism with Randy.
Tip #4: Try to stay up as late as you can at the Young Cabin with the Cousins.
If you’re an early bird like me, this can be hard. But this is when/where the true bonding occurs. This is also when/where you will gather the most deliciously embarrassing stories about whomever invited you to this thing. And don’t be surprised that anything goes once the cousins are alone. A few ridiculously bulky picnic tables may wind up indoors. Just go with it.
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| Once the picnic tables came inside last year, Matt called it quits. Don't make that mistake. Or this will happen: |
Of course, you may, at times, feel like an outsider because you can’t reference the 25 previous Lake Trips, as they all can, but just know that if you stick around long enough someday you’ll be reminiscing right with them. Even if you don’t stick around, you’ll still probably enjoy some of the stories. And if you get sick of listening to other people’s nostalgia, you can always distract yourself with the inevitable card game.
Tip #5: Learn Revolution.
Or don’t. The rules are bound to be explained again and again over the course of a drunken night. Just jump in and pay attention. And don’t hold-in your competitiveness-- otherwise you’ll go crazy playing the same game for hours, night after night.
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| Revolution, round 984 |
Tip #6: Get to know Cathy Kumach (AKA, Cathy O’Brien).
Not to be confused with the other Cathy O’Brien (actually Cathy Bell-- but you won’t often hear her referred to by her married name), this “Cathy” is the first and only bone-a-fide sister-in-law in the O’Brien clan and therefore a natural ally. She gave me the one and only “tip” I got on my first Lake Trip when she told me to hurry up and eat before the food disappeared. She’s bound to be the most sympathetic to your outsider-ness and she can also show you the way to the running trail.
Tip #7: Make time for exercise... you’ll thank yourself later.
You’re going to eat a lot of junk on this trip you wouldn’t otherwise and that’s a fact. Hit the trail early in the morning before it gets too ungodly hot.
Tip #8 Bring your own breakfast.
You can almost always find a cup of coffee in the Cosby Cabin--AKA, the Main Cabin-- (don’t be surprised if Starbucks containers litter the table), but breakfast is a bit harder to pin down.
Sure, you can go to Bobber’s, but it isn’t recommended if you followed Tip #7. Grease is just harder to stomach after a nice morning jog.
Tip #9 Avoid Bobber’s.
Except in the unlikely event that someone somehow runs out of booze. Then you want to head straight for Bobber’s to avoid the frightening late night drive on those dark, winding Ozark roads that lead to Flamers (or whatever the hell the name of that convenience store in Osage happens to be).
Tip #10 Help clean up the Main Cabin on Sunday.*
It’s just the nice thing to do. Yes, you’ll probably have to hug about 40 people you may hardly know good-bye, but you’re just going to have to get used to hugging around this crowd. Love and rage go hand-in-hand.
*You are exempt from this task if whoever brought you here doesn’t partake. And you get impunity cause you're just a guest. :)
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