Taipei Rambles: Another night, another market

Night markets are a main attraction in Taipei. It seems like all you have to do is walk down the street once the sun sets and-- no matter what neighborhood you're in-- you'll eventually find one.

Shilin Night Market, July 2012

Some are more well-known than others, but as Mike's Taiwanese language partner pointed out, "Night markets all the same." Neon lights, hordes of people, greasy food: you'd find these trademarks at Raohe, Shilin, Shida, Tonghua, Jingmei, and Shipai alike. So even though all the travel literature suggests that Shilin is the best, I'd have to agree with Ferin. If you've seen one market, you've seen them all.

Now don't get me wrong; you should definitely visit at least one of these places if you're ever in Taipei. But there are certain things you'd want to look for... and certain things you'd want to avoid. So I'm doing two lists: a best of and a worst of. I'll start with the bad so I can end on a positive.

Here it is:

Ten Things to Avoid in a Taipei Night Market

#10 Old Oil

One of the only things that can make deep fried food taste bad is oil that's been overused. If you notice tons of blackish charred bits in a dish that isn't supposed to be black, look for a different stall. There's always more than one selling whatever you're looking for, so you can afford to be picky.

#9 Slow Walkers / Clogged Aisles

Let's face it, these markets can get tedious after you start passing the same stalls over and over. If you're hungry and looking for something to eat, you don't want to be slowed down by casual browsers who clog the center aisles. Thus, when you need to move quickly, you've got to walk behind the stalls. The downside, of course, is that you have to see all the messy work that goes into preparing chicken parts and pork intestines for mass consumption. But, you'll make it to the stall you want to eat from a hell of a lot faster, too.

This short video demonstrates the constant stream of people you'd encounter when walking through a typical market. Pay attention to the fellow at the end with the flamboyant sense of style. He would've been a problem if we were stuck behind him and in a hurry to get somewhere specific.

#8 Injury by Motor Scooter

Night markets are set up in pedestrian-friendly alleys which are too narrow for cars. That doesn't keep the motor scooters away, though, so don't get tooo distracted browsing for cheap cell phone covers. Listen for gruff engines, and if you hear any, quickly get out of the way.

You especially want to avoid any scooters being driven by this guy.

#7 Video Game Arcades

It's not binge drinking, nor casual drug usage that lead to course failure and general underperformance among Taiwanese college students. No, Ferin claims that the number one way to slack here is to spend too much time playing video games. So I guess it makes sense that there's such a strong gaming scene at the night markets. Picture a dimly lit corridor packed with hundreds of adolescent boys, each hunched over a bulky early '90s system, eyes glued to the smudged screen. Now pretend you hear a hideously discordant mixture of the worst electronic sound effects you can imagine.

And that is why you should avoid the video game arcades.

#6 Bra and Panty Stalls

Is this just common sense? You don't want to buy your intimate apparel at a neon lighted market. Any wares that are only available outside, after dark are bound to be cheap and gaudy. So unless you're looking for a tawdry Halloween costume, just keep walking. And if you run out of clean underwear in Taipei, do yourself a favor: hit the mall.

#5 Giant Sausages

These things are so greasy they glimmer. And the bright red color doesn't make them any more appetizing; they always look raw, no matter how long they're cooked. But perhaps what really grosses me about about the sausages is how they sit out, hour after hour, away from refrigeration...waiting, waiting... waiting... for people to buy them.

They also sell a white-ish, gray-ish version. Something tells me they don't taste like the maple flavored turkey sausage from Trader Joe's.

#4 Sugar Cane Juice

For some, this would be on the "best of" list, but I avoid it for this reason: it is pure sugar, with no tart fruitiness and no refreshing fizziness to balance the overwhelming sweetness. Do you eat pure sugar from a spoon? If not, then you don't want to drink pure sugar from a cup, either.

Stacks of the sugar cane used to make the juice, Raohe Market, June 2012.

Mike trying some sugar cane juice at Raohe Market, June 2012

#3 Pet Stalls

You don't go to a night market, play two hours of Pac Man, and then find yourself thinking, I'm ready for some extra responsibility, I better go find the perfect pet to fit my lifestyle. Okay, I can't say how many of these dogs actually go on to lead happy lives with their original purchasers, but I'm guessing not many. Seeing them displayed like cheap stuffed teddies is just sad.

#2 Penis Waffles

What's tackier than making and marketing a penis shaped waffle? Buying one. Tackier still? Photographing one. Use your imagination, people. It's a huge penis shaped waffle. Some are filled with cream. I know that because it's in the advertisement, not because I ate one.

# 1 Stinky Tofu

The Bizarre Foods guy described it as having a "dead body aroma" but that characterization doesn't even do justice to how absolutely rancid the smell of stinky tofu really is. It's like festering vomit spread over a rotten carcass on top of a gigantic mound of shit. I can't even think straight when I catch the odor, much less consider eating anything. Mike actually tried it when he was in China; I doubt I ever would.

Stinky Tofu at Shilin Market, July 2012. It looks pretty ordinary, so until you learn how to spot it, you'll keep asking yourself where the hell the smell is coming from.

It's really not all bad. We keep going back, after all. So here's the flip side:

Ten Things to Look for in a Taipei Night Market.

#10 Red Lanterns

I can't be alone in preferring this muted decoration over the flashing pinks and yellows. Unlike the neon lights, the paper lanterns are festive, tasteful, and enchanting. Hint, hint, marketeers.

#9 Meat Kabobs

Try one; you'll like it. Just make sure you ask what it is first. Mike saw a few that looked good, but it turns out one was chicken skin, and the other was chicken butt. Stick with pork or mutton and you'll have nothing to complain about.

#8 Sesame Seed Cake with Meat Stuffing

This is what Mike always looks for whenever we go to a market. The meat is usually finely diced and tender. The cake is not too thick and a little bit crunchy. Obviously, it's quite good if you like that sort of thing.

#7 Shaved Ice Desserts

Would you ever think of combing shaved ice, tapioca pudding, and red beans for dessert? I wouldn't, and I wouldn't have tried it, either, if our English-teaching friends hadn't ordered a bowl of it for us. It's actually really, really good. At some stalls, you can also add fresh fruit to the mix.

#6 Dried Food

If you're looking for something that will last all day in a hot car and not make a melty, rotten mess (why else would you buy dried food?), you can find it at the night market. All kinds of fruits and many kinds of sea creatures are sold everywhere.

#5 Regular Waffles

Don't be bummed if the first waffles you see are penis-shaped. Keep looking because there are regular ones available, too. They don't come with syrup but they do taste delicious anyway-- slightly crunchy on the outside, moist and fluffy on the inside. Some are stuffed with sweet creamed corn or mashed red beans. It sounds weird but it works. They are pretty good.

#4 Deep Fried Doughnuts

Is there anything more decadent than treating yourself to a piping hot, freshly fried doughnut after dinner? Go for it if you're feeling sinful, or if they're out of waffles.

#3 Lime Jello

Don't get turned off by the sign (below). For some reason, frog eggs and lime jello are sold together, but you can buy one without the other. What makes this jello super good is that it is really, really natural. It basically tastes like lime and water in gel form, with no added sugar as far as I can tell. It's a totally refreshing finish to any binge.

#2 Kitty Purses, Shirts, and Accessories

Now this is an impulsive purchase of cuteness I can get behind.

I think I know what Anne Schwitzer is getting as her cat sitting thank you gift.

#1 Fresh Fruit, Glazed Fruit, and Fruit Juice

Get fruity! Taipei is the most gay friendly city in Asia and it's markets have the best-looking mango, pineapple, and watermelon around. The fruit is fresh and delicious, whether you drink it or eat it.